Marriage must be a free choice between two loving, equal partners

Susan Stith is family life director for the Diocese of Altoona-Johnstown in Pennsylvania. She has written an article entitled “Seven Reasons Not to Marry” to help couples evaluate their relationship. Her seven reasons are presented followed by my own insights.

• Marrying to get out of the house.

When two people marry, they should obtain some degree of independence and maturity – the ability to stand on their own two feet. The marital union must never be co-dependent; it must be an interdependent relationship.

The ideal is for both parties to get out on their own and be self-sufficient before they marry. If the parents and the person getting married have serious clashes, marriage should never be seen as a “ticket to freedom.” It never works!

• No one better will ask me to marry him/her.

We could find millions of people in this world that we could marry. We just have to take the time to find that right person whom we can share our life.

Believe in your own gifts, talents, and abilities.

• It’s time to get married. The only time to get married is with the right person at the right time. When both parties are mature enough to make a lifelong commitment to love and care for each other, that’s the right time.

• Being hit, slapped, threatened or intimidated, verbally put down, or forced to do things you don’t want to do by your partner. No one can change another person. Marriage will definitely not change your partner. A person who abuses another has serious psychological problems. They need long-term counseling.

• You or your partner are dependent on drugs or alcohol. People who habitually use drugs or alcohol are trying to escape from the everyday problems of life. The love affair is with the drugs or alcohol and not with their partner. A person who needs to have these substances is not a free person but a slave to these chemicals.

The marriage relationship should be between two people who can freely give of themselves to one another. Chemical abusers cannot share themselves. They must admit they have a problem and seek proper treatment.

• You and your partner have major items that you avoid talking about because it might upset your relationship.

We have all heard of the story of the white elephant in the living room where everyone goes around it and never acknowledges its presence. There is a tendency in all of us to “keep peace at any price.” However, the problem or issues will not go away just because we do not talk about them.

We must be willing to go through the cross to obtain new life. If a couple differs on certain issues, they must keep talking about them until some compromise can be reached.

If a couple cannot resolve their differences, they should consider a third party – a pastor, a counselor, etc.

• Marriage just seems like the next logical step. Many couples today are living together or are sexually involved. Once this happens, looking at the relationship objectively is difficult. They think the next logical step would be to be married.

However, marriage is based on love. The definition of love is seeking the good or the well being of the other person. This means loving another unconditionally.

Couples must be able to dream together, play together, stay together, grow together, trust together, heal together, love together and forgive together.

The decision to marry is the most important decision that most people will make. If any of these seven reasons are present in a relationship, couples should postpone or call off the marriage until the issues are resolved. Marriage must always be a free choice between two loving and equal partners.