Navigating the ‘mean’ streets of Houma

I got my driver’s license over eight years ago in a state with not only the highest population density in the U.S. (a little over 1,000 people per square mile – 13 times the national average), but in a state that has the most extensive highway and railroad system in the country.

I had to take three separate highways just to drive to my high school that was 15 minutes away, and more often than not, it took 40 minutes to get there.

Then I moved to Miami. And for those of you who have never had the privilege of traveling and/or driving into this interesting extension of the Sunshine State, let me give you some insight, courtesy of Miami Herald humor columnist, Dave Barry.

“Keep in mind that Miami has the same traffic laws as the rest of the United States; the difference is that nobody here obeys them. The main expressways are Interstate 95 and the Palmetto; do not use these unless you are an experienced fighter pilot,” Barry wrote in one of his columns.

I got my wings after a week, when I survived going 65 mph as a flatbed truck without any brake lights cut me off without a blinker during a relatively intense downpour. I’d have to do this drive multiple times a week going to the Miami Herald office. Twenty-two miles took an hour and 20 minutes.

Welcome to Miami. Or, excuse me, “Bienvenido a Miami.”

My point? I’ve navigated treacherous highways in huge metropolitan areas in my sleep since I was 17 (including Manhattan). I have dealt with a certain class of the most ridiculous drivers one could ever come in contact with, and somehow made it out unscathed (barring a few dings from people parking next to me and haphazardly flinging their doors open). I’m talking to you, obnoxious red Cadillac Escalade with unnecessary spinners and equally lame “family” stickers on the back.

With that said, the streets of Houma make me nervous. Very, very nervous. The amount of one-way streets packed into this 20-something-square-mile town (or “city” I suppose) could rival that of New York.

I’ve had more anxiety attacks in the last month than I’ve had in my entire life, and they’ve all been centralized around making left turns.

“Please let this street be a two-way,” is usually what I say to myself before crossing my fingers and cutting the wheel to the left. The fact that this town/city’s traffic lights turn green at the same exact second as the opposite light turns red does not help my situation either. I don’t like playing traffic Russian Roulette.

And let me be clear, it’s not just because I fear the oncoming traffic that could potentially cause significant damage to my car or my life had I been incorrect about this “two-way” assumption. It’s more about the fact that I don’t want to look like an idiot or a “bad” driver who doesn’t know where she’s going.

Four-way stops are also an interesting adventure. I’m going to simplify this as best as I can. You get to the four-way stop first, you go first. If you get there at the same time as other cars, you yield to the right. This is how it works every single time.

This means, then, that just because your car is an inch away from the back bumper of the car in front of you, it doesn’t give you the right to proceed through the stop sign with that car. You are not connected to that car. You are a separate car. Please remember this, and wait your turn. It’s Houma, where are you going in such a hurry that you need to shave off that extra 30-second wait time?

That wait time would probably be less anyway, if residents did not have an absolute meltdown at the four-way stops.

Also, if it’s your turn to go and you do not go, someone else will. Do not forfeit your turn then decide halfway through someone else’s turn that you want to go. This causes accidents. Make a commitment and go.

And when it’s my turn, do not give me a nasty look because I’m following the correct rules of the four-way stop. Just because you think it’s your turn does not make you correct, and odds are I can give you a much dirtier look, because up north we give them out like candy on Halloween.

Dirty looks are not a goal for me, however, and I’d very much like to avoid giving you one.

Let’s just all follow the rules and get along, OK?

I haven’t been into an accident yet (knock on wood), and I’m hoping to keep it that way. I have a driving reputation to protect and maintain, and Houma, your one-way streets and four-way stops are cramping my style.