Suggestions for those who’ve lost a loved one

Donald James Trahan
November 8, 2011
Beulah Roger Milano
November 10, 2011
Donald James Trahan
November 8, 2011
Beulah Roger Milano
November 10, 2011

Last week’s column dealt with remembering those who have gone before us in death. Sister Kay Kinberger, a Marianite Sister of the Holy Cross, wrote the following on the same subject for Our Lady of Prompt succor Nursing Home and Rehabilitation Center newsletter.

“Mother Theresa of Calcutta once wrote, ‘I look and do not see. Listen and do not hear. My tongue moves in prayer but I do not speak. There is no faith, no love, and no zeal.'”


“At first glance, these words spoken by a faith-filled woman who devoted her life helping others may seem shocking to us. With a second glance, they can be reassuring and can actually validate some of our expediencies when we lose a loved one. After the departure of friends and family, after the flurry of activity surrounding the funeral, after the business affairs are put in order, there is a void that comes with grief. A void punctuated by the phone calls that cannot be made, the visits that will not happen, the photos that cannot be shared, the gifts that will not be delivered, the hand that cannot be held.


“Life continues but one looks and does not see, listens but does not hear. Faith, hope and love seem absent, and sometimes God seems absent as we are faced with the daunting reality that life has changed. Our world needs reconstruction and new meaning is waiting to be found. Our tendency is to want to deny the void, to rid ourselves of the troubling feelings, to dismiss the painful emotions. However, we are called to step into the journey, to walk the challenging new path daily.

“We offer some suggestions that may help along the way:


“1. Take care of yourself and allow others to help. Grief takes its toll, emotionally, mentally, and physically.


“2. To help process your feelings, share them with those who will receive and reverence them.

“3. Seek ways to strengthen your inner spirit, prayer, walking, reading, music, etc.


“4. Be free to grieve in your own way and at your own pace. Don’t compare yourself or allow yourself to be compared with the way another person deals with grief.

“5. Foster gratitude and joy in your heart as you recall and share treasured memories.

“6. Remember your loved one in meaningful memorials. Write down favorite times shared or special words spoken; make a photo collage; plant a tree; made a donation in his/her name.

“7. Be gentle and patient with yourself while looking for courage and hope in the lives of others who have experienced the loss of a loved one.

“8. Remember tears are a sign of strength not weakness. They are a visible testimony to the loss of your loved one and they are very cleansing to the body.

“9. Be open to new possibilities. Use this time for greater self-discovery and personal growth.

“10. Look at the starts. Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote: ‘When it is dark enough, we can see the starts.’ Be attentive to the stars of hope and healing, of faith and love, breaking through the darkness of sorrow and grief, freeing you to look and see, to listen and hear!”

In John’s gospel, Jesus speaks about his own departure as pain and joy. “Very truly, I tell you, you will weep and mourn, but the world will rejoice; you will have pain, but your pain will turn into joy.” (John 16:20)

We have to go through the cross (our loss of a loved one) to new life. That’s what resurrection means. The important word is “through” the cross. If you are hurting, you are doing well. Hang in there! Our loving God goes with us.