It’s ‘UNCONSTITUTIONAL’

Colin Quinn had been on the phone moments earlier haggling with American Express for more than 25 minutes over his post-Christmas bill.

You couldn’t help but detect his Irish had shown itself during the exchange, harkening back to his best moments handily zipping zingers in the late Eighties when he hosted A&E’s standup showcase “Caroline’s Comedy Hour,” or in the late 1990s, delivering “Saturday Night Live’s” “Weekend Update.”

“That’s my story and I’m sticking to it,” Quinn emphatically closed each news report, sharply punctuating each smartly delivered session.

His storied career also includes stints on MTV where he was the sidekick announcer on the channel’s game show “Remote Control”; writing and starring with Ben Stiller in the “Going Back to Brooklyn” video; writing for “In Living Color”’; and co-writing and producing “Celtic Pride,” which starred Dan Akroyd and Damon Wayans.

More recently, he wrote “Long Story Short,” a one-man show about empires, which his longtime friend Jerry Seinfeld produced and directed.

But it’s his latest project, “Unconstitutional,” a highly lauded, typically smart political stab at 226 years of Constitutional calamities America’s faced crammed into a 70-minute one-man show. Nothing’s off-limits: predator drones, the Kardashians and, of course, “Duck Dynasty.”

Four pages long, the American Constitution is as much about human nature as it is about rules, Quinn theorizes.

“Obviously, everything is open to interpretation, including the Constitution,” he says.

And the timing couldn’t be more perfect: Think Paula Deen, Phil Robertson or Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.

No, nix Ford. That’s stupidity, not constitutionally related.

“Once the world changes technologically, then people have to determine the spirit of what the Constitution is saying,” Quinn said. “But my show is more like the psychology of it. My show is foolproof because it is about the psychology of the people behind it.”

While reading the Federalist Papers while working on the elliptical machine – “which tells me I have completely lost my mind” (I’m thinking he meant reading the Federalist Papers, not working out. Not judging, just guessing.) – Quinn said he was struck by just how relevant the message remains today.

Specifically, the comic was perusing Federalist No. 10, which was penned to New Yorkers in 1787 by James Madison. Titled “The Union as a Safeguard Against Domestic Faction and Insurrection,” Quinn said Madison predicts the nation’s future.

“It describes human nature – everybody’s going to be out for what their interest is and how the two parties are going to be fighting and it’s going to be ugly,” Quinn said. “Today, it’s happening. It looks like that’s just how it is meant to be almost. It is kind of weird.”

Our forefathers, or at least about 10 of them, according to Quinn, were higher-minded people of a different class – “I don’t know anybody in politics today who has that kind of mind or judiciousness” – understood the pulse of the people. “But even those guys I wouldn’t be impressed with because they probably stole it off the Romans, who probably got it off the Greeks. So, once again, let’s give credit to the Greeks.”

Be it the Constitution or the more detailed Federalist Papers, Quinn said human nature is still key.

“They are basically saying, ‘If I’m in charge of you, I’m going to try to push you around. I’m going to try to tell you what to think, what to do and how to act, and you’ll try to do the same to me. So, we have to keep finding ways to stop that from happening.

“That’s the part that really amazes me,” he mused.

But Americans are generally not as high minded as forefathers. Evidence: the Kardashian family.

Quinn beckons early Europeans, who went to every extreme to protect the family’s good name. “Had they been plagued by a cover-up (think OJ Simpson and Robert Kardashian after the Nicole Simpson/Ron Goldman murders) or sex tapes (e.g. Kim and then-boyfriend Ray J), they’d go into hiding until their name had been cleared.”

Blame capitalism or, maybe, human nature, but the Kardashians are living the American dream. Life hands you lemons, make millions selling crummy lemonade to other voyeuristic Americans fascinated by the whole process.

“Don’t go into hiding,” Quinn quips. “Just make money off of it.”

The challenge for this comic is turning this thought-provoking truth into a night of laughs.

“My job is to be funny,” he said. “I hate when comedians get preachy and not funny. If you’re being funny, say whatever you want. But if you are not getting laughs, you’re not a comedian. My job is to make people laugh.”

Quinn makes his return to New Orleans Jan. 9, taking immense solace in knowing he’s returning to the city that created Ignatius O’Reilly, the lead character in John O’Toole’s “Confederacy of Dunces.”

“The only thing that kept me from jumping off the roof when I turned 19 was that book,” he said. “I have literally read it at least 20 times. I’ll never be able to write as great as that. … It’s just amazing.”

In typical “Confederacy of Dunces” style, Quinn also talks of his last visit to the Big Easy. His car service turns out to be a 1971 station wagon driven by a 450-pound cabbie.

“He stops at a damned gas station, and says, ‘I’m going in to get something, fill it up,’” Quinn recalled. “He comes out and he’s got a six-pack of beer, puts it in the seat next to him, cracks one open and starts drinking.”

That’s us, all right. Chalk it up to human nature – sometimes it’s just downright unconstitutional.

COLIN QUINN

COURTESY