The Easter Bunny Reads More Letters – Under The Scope

Dear Easter Bunny: Long time no see! Whatcha been doing all year long?

Dear Nearsighted: Eating, breathing, and breeding. What about you? …Never mind. I don’t want to picture that. Next letter. Quickly!

Dear Easter Bunny: Do you like Reese’s candy renditions of you? Seems to me that they just melt the unused candy from the prior holiday and then reshape it to icons of the current holiday. Like you would have been reformed from a Valentine heart. Of course, from an business standpoint, that’s a smart thing to do.

Dear Smart: First, I have never modelled for a candy company. At this point, I’m owed billions of dollars in name-and-likeness revenues. Second, you’ve forgotten that between Valentine Days in February and Easter Sundays in April there’s National Surgical Implant Awareness Month, which is March. That might explain some of the shapes you find while eating all the sugar and fat in that candy. And, if you’re going to eat those highly processed food products, then you should worry less about those shapes and more about your own. Of course, that wasn’t your question, as it? Actually, you asked no question. I’m moving on.

Dear Easter Bunny: I feel that I’ve had a woefully deprived childhood. Historically, here in Australia we never celebrate Easter as children. Why is that?

Dear Deprived: Between your large populations of platypus and echidna, there should be enough authentic egg-laying mammals on your island to keep your kids and joeys happy. Time to leave the pouch and get on with adulthood, mate!

Dear Easter Bunny: Do baby rabbits eat baby carrots?

Dear Baby Eater: No. We eat totally organic and natural produce. We have no association whatsoever with human food inventions like baby carrots. Or Cocoa Puffs. Dear Easter Bunny: Why has the rabbit foot become the worldwide symbol of good luck?

Dear Footnote: Because pig feet are edible, chicken feet are frightening, armadillo feet carry leprosy, and human feet are just plain ugly. It’s also probably illegal in your self centered society to carry a dried human foot around your neck or on your keychain.

Dear Easter Bunny: After many years of fighting a losing battle with your species, I am willing to share my garden equitably with you. If I plant rows of green beans in a 12-foot by 12-foot plot, how much of the 120 square-feet of beans can you eat?

Dear Green Bean: All of it. However, 12 feet times 12 feet is 144 square feet. You should learn to multiply like rabbits.

Dear Easter Bunny: I ask this as humanely possible. What’s a good recipe for rabbit stew?

Dear Humane: I answer this as lapinely possible. First, you make a roux. Use a nicesized stovetop pot. Add your favorite spices—and don’t be afraid to add a good bit of them or else it’s just gonna taste like chicken. Add bone broth or vegetable stock–or even chicken stock at risk of masking true flavor–and bring contents to a full, rolling boil. And then, stick your whole hand below the water line until the meat is tender. At that point, you will come to know just how painful your question was to my soul.

Dear Easter Bunny: Have you heard about that 2007 Pulitzer Prize winning play called “Rabbit Hole”?

Dear Hole: Indeed! I actually served as a creative consultant for the studio during the 2010 adaptation of it from stage to feature film, which starred Nicole Kidman, Aaron Eckhart, Sandra Oh, and Miles Teller. The play chronicles the suffering of a family following loss of their son in an auto accident. In my consulting role, I shared my years of experience observing humans indiscriminately mowing down forest animals on highways. Oh, the inhumanity! Oh, the opossums!

Dear Eater Bunny: I’m reading that you answer some of our letters with anger and disdain. Don’t you remember your cousin Thumper, who said in the movie “Bambi”, “If you can’t say something nice, then don’t say nothing at all”?

Dear Thumped: I get paid by the letter, not by words of kindness to rabbitexploiting humans. Dear Easter Bunny: I hear that rabbits chew 120 time per minute. Why?

Dear Chew: After Covid, we have trouble tasting flavors. All the veggies taste the same. However, if you’re sitting around counting the gyrations of our jaws, then the more important question to ask is “How has Covid affected you?”

Dear Easter Bunny: What color do rabbit eyes glow at night?

Dear Hippie: Depends on which mushrooms we’ve eaten.

Dear Easter Bunny: Far out! That is so cool, man. Dear Hippie: Sometimes it’s downright groovy, brother. Peace out.