My "Mock" Mock Draft: Detailing best fictional football players of all-time

The NFL Draft is still a month away and everyone has his or her own mock draft.

Every site you search has conflicting information about who the Rams will spend the No. 1 pick on and what teams might or might not be high on Tim Tebow.

Well guess what?

They’re useless.

Absolutely useless.

Because the truth is no one knows what the NFL general managers are going to do, because THEY don’t even know what they are going to do.

So let’s switch gears to something way more important today and that’s fictional football characters.

If I were an NFL general manager and I had my choice of any television or movie football player, here is how the vote would go.

The Gisclair “Mock” Mock Draft:

Version 1.0

1. St. Louis Rams – Robert ‘Bobby’ Boucher, LB, South-Central Louisiana State University – The Rams need a defensive playmaker. Who was more of a playmaker than Boucher in his career? Factor in his dual-threat ability as a water boy and it’s a recipe for success in a down economy.

2. Detroit Lions – Spike Hammersmith, LB/FB, Cowboys youth football team – Spike was a force for the Cowboys against the Little Giants. When he gets into his teenage years and into his 20s, that guy will be a both-ways monster.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Billy Bob, OL, West Canaan High School – The Bucs need offensive line help and Billy Bob is a proven winner who has shown he is willing to play hurt. A solid pick.

4. Washington Redskins – Forrest Gump, KR, Alabama – The Redskins need explosiveness, and Gump was just that in his decorated career at Alabama. The kid just likes to run.

5. Kansas City Chiefs – Captain Knauer, QB, Texas State Penitentiary – Knauer has a mean streak the Chiefs desperately need. Anyone who saw the beating he laid on those prisoners knows he is a fierce player. He will be the unquestioned leader of the Chiefs’ offense.

6. Seattle Seahawks – Al Bundy, RB, Polk High School – Bundy scored four touchdowns in one game at Polk High – a purely amazing feat. Age is a concern, but he should still have a few years left in the tank.

7. Cleveland Browns – Shane Falco, QB, Ohio State – Finally, the Browns show why they traded Brady Quinn by drafting the local kid Falco, who is looking to rebound from that devastating Sugar Bowl loss.

8. Oakland Raiders – Rod Tidwell, WR, formerly with Arizona Cardinals – The Raiders give JaMarcus Russell the receiver he needs and go with Tidwell. If the two sides can come to terms on a contract, it should be a match made in heaven. Show him the money!

9. Buffalo Bills – Petey Jones, CB/RB, T.C. Williams High School – Jones is one of the best athletes in the draft. He is a converted running back who can maybe play both ways if he overcomes his pesky fumbling habits.

10. Jacksonville Jaguars – Air Bud, WR, Veterinary College – The Jaguars need to sell tickets. That’s why they wanted Tebow. But they get the next best thing and get a wide receiver and a halftime show all in one.

11. Denver Broncos – Nigel Gruff, K, Washington Sentinels – The Broncos are always looking for kickers in their high altitude environment, so they will go with Gruff, who is pretty much automatic when his mind is right.

12. Miami Dolphins – Boobie Miles, RB, Permian High School – With Ricky Williams getting up in age, the Dolphins go with Miles, who is healing well off his recent injury.

13. San Francisco 49ers – Daniel ‘Rudy’ Ruettiger, DE, Notre Dame – No one loves work ethic more than 49ers coach Mike Singletary, so they go with the always hard working Ruettiger. “Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy…”

14. Seattle Seahawks – Becky ‘Ice Box’ O’Shea, FB, The Little Giants – The Seahawks drafted Bundy earlier, so it will be interesting to see how the two work together in the backfield. Strangely enough, Bundy looks almost identical to O’Shea’s uncle, the great Kevin O’Shea.

15. New York Giants – Ivan Drago, DL, Russia – The Giants really don’t need help in a whole lot of areas, so they gamble on the raw Drago and hope his unquestioned strength will yield success.

16. Tennessee Titans – Guard Papajohn, LB, Texas State Penitentiary – The Titans go with Papajohn of the Texas guards. He will be a run-stopping force in the middle for their defense.

17. San Francisco 49ers – Danny Bateman, LB, Washington Sentinels – Like Ruettiger, Bateman will bring an unquestioned work ethic to the 49ers. His past as a policeman will do the team right.

18. Pittsburgh Steelers – Paul Krewe, QB, Florida State – With questions surrounding Ben Roethlisberger’s ability to follow the law, the Steelers take another troubled quarterback in Krewe, who would have certainly been a Top 5 pick if not for character issues.

19. Atlanta Falcons – Deacon Moss, WR, Texas State Penitentiary – The Falcons already have Roddy White and Tony Gonzales, but they make their offense even more explosive with Moss, who was a valuable leader on the inmates’ team.

20. Houston Texans – Clifford Franklin, WR, Washington Sentinels – The Texans already have Andre Johnson, but they will add Franklin, who will diversify their offensive arsenal.

21. Cincinnati Bengals – Guard Lambert, LB, Texas State Penitentiary – The Bengals might need a prison guard to keep Chad Ocho Cinco and Antonio Bryant out of trouble, so Marvin Lewis goes with the safe pick here.

22. New England Patriots – Wendell Brown, RB, West Canaan High School – Injury concerns surround Brown, but he was a Top 5 talent when healthy for West Canaan.

23. Green Bay Packers – Ronnie ‘Sunshine’ Bass, QB, T.C. Williams High School – With Aaron Rodgers taking a beating in 2009, the Packers pick up some insurance with Sunshine.

24. Philadelphia Eagles – Willie Mays-Hayes, wildcat QB, Cleveland Indians – With Mike Vick’s happiness in question, Andy Reid picks up the speedy Mays-Hayes to run his Wildcat formation – that’s if the Eagles can come to terms with the Indians on a buyout.

25. Baltimore Ravens – Steve Lattimer, DE, ESU Timberwolves – The Ravens always are ready for some defense and Lattimer recorded nearly 20 sacks for ESU in his senior season.

26. Arizona Cardinals – Junior Floyd, QB, Little Giants – Floyd is a proven winner and he will be a nice fill-in for Kurt Warner, who retired following this past season.

27. Dallas Cowboys – Earl ’23’ Meggett, WR, Texas State Penitentiary – The Cowboys have been less than pleased with Roy Williams’ production, so they will cherry-pick the in-state prison system and bring in Meggett, who was a force for the cons.

28. San Diego Chargers – Brian Murphy, TE, Washington Sentinels – Murphy would have been a higher selection if he were not born deaf. But veteran Antonio Gates will ease the transition for the former Sentinels tight end.

29. New York Jets – Bob Rooney, OT, Polk High School – While Bundy gets all of the glory, Bob Rooney was a big factor up front for Polk High. The Eagles will be in good shape with this pick.

30. Minnesota Vikings – Jonathan ‘Mox’ Moxon, QB, West Canaan High School – With an axe swinging over Brett Favre’s future, the Vikings will go with Moxon, who is cut from the same clothe as Favre. He can’t be worse than Tavaris Jackson, right?

31. Indianapolis Colts – Lance Harbor, QB, West Canaan High School – Moxon’s teammate, Harbor goes next in the draft to the Colts. Harbor was originally the starter at West Canaan, but an injury ruined his season. He could be a sleeper for the Colts.

32. New Orleans Saints – Gee Grenouille, QB, South-Central Louisiana State University – The Saints don’t need much, but a backup QB is on their list of needs, so they will recruit the local kid and hope it pans out.