Super Bowl viewing numbers too low for my liking

According to the brand new 2010 Census numbers there are approximately 309 million people that live in our beautiful Mother America.

Of that total, recent Nielsen Media research has shown that about 111 million people watched the Super Bowl, making it the largest television audience ever for a single, live TV event.

That’s still not enough.

Our best truly isn’t good enough, Americans. We really need to step it up a notch.

The Super Bowl is the culmination of America’s sport.

It’s the final icing on the cake for football. Heck, this year’s game especially because it might be the last football we have for a very long time.

It’s an event that brings together everyone in our country no matter our gender, race or ethnicity.

It’s about picking sides between two teams that most years we have no allegiances with and cheering for them like they’ve been our own for our whole lives.

Last Sunday, I was a die-hard Packers fan. An outsider to my home would have sworn I was one for my whole life. The next day, they were just any other team to me. That’s how the Super Bowl works.

More important than that, it’s a party – for everyone to enjoy, whether we’re sports fans or we’re just watching for the commercials.

It’s what we spend Saturday nights at bar rooms talking about.

It’s what we spend the next Monday at work analyzing and discussing.

Seriously, what could the other 64 percent of our people have possibly been watching or doing?

And more importantly, who are these people?

Think of 20 of your closest family and friends. Were only seven of those people watching the Super Bowl? That’s what the statistics suggest.

If so, then what in the blue moon were the other 13 people doing?

Why do some choose to be out of the loop and feel awkward when you hear their coworkers and neighbors in the mall talking about the game?

Anyway, things happen and I’m here to give all of you a free pass if you missed the game – but only if you meet a certain list of requirements.

If not, you’re pretty much on your own.

There’s only so much I can do.

The list of valid excuses to miss a Super Bowl:

1. If you’re 7 years old or younger – Obviously a large portion of our population fits into this category and that’s probably why the number of non-watchers is so large. For me, I was a beginning viewer at about 4 years old, but I’m a fanatic, so I think we can break it off at 7 years old and account for the interests of most children. That’s a fair age for the kiddies to be enjoying more SpongeBob and less A.J. Hawk – even though both look like cartoon characters to the naked eye.

2. If you’re at work – Some services do need to be in operation even during the most significant American holidays. What would the Super Bowl be if we couldn’t run to the gas station and buy the last minute chips and dip when we realized we left that off our list? I caution employers to use this only for the most important services, however. Doctors, you can get the night off. A knee replacement surgery can wait until tomorrow. A Super Bowl memory lasts a lifetime! Gas stations, fast food restaurants and only the other services like these that are of the utmost importance to society’s continuation are necessary to staying open in lieu of our holiday.

3. Sickness – If we’re giving the doctors the much-deserved night off, we understand there will be some people who just aren’t going to be 100 percent. And that’s OK with me. I know more than anyone. In the past few weeks, I’ve been a little roughed up, myself. So we can give you a “Get out of the Super Bowl Free” card if and only if you’re running a temperature of 101.6 or above (three degrees above normal) or if you have a belly bug and can’t physically be in front of the TV for more than 15-20 minutes at a time if you get what I’m saying.

4. If your team lost in the NFC or AFC Championship games – If the team you root for lost in the semifinals, I’ll give you a break, because it’s like watching your ex-girlfriend having a romantic dinner with her new squeeze for three and a half hours. At some point one might tell you to get over it and move on, and that’s actually partly why the bye week is in place. But if some people have sensitive hearts, I can understand that. If the Cowboys lost in the NFC Championship game, I’d be hard pressed to watch, too … at least I think, anyway. It’s been an awfully long time since that has happened.

Outside of these instances, you guys are pretty much on your own. There’s no reason the people watching the Super Bowl in this country should be a minority.

We need to do better.

Please note I’m only somewhat being serious here.

I’ll let you be the judge of which points are valid and which are not.