Want to find a culprit for our storms? Look to North Texas

Isaac impacts schedule
September 5, 2012
Report Cards: Saints, LSU score high marks
September 5, 2012
Isaac impacts schedule
September 5, 2012
Report Cards: Saints, LSU score high marks
September 5, 2012

Tired of hurricanes?

Blame North Texas.


Tired of enduring 70-80 mph wind and then subsequently cleaning debris from your yard?


Blame North Texas.

Tired of being without electricity during the brutally hot summer months?


Again I state – it’s all North Texas’ fault. Blame them.


Those were the words that were in my mind this past week as I sat in my Webster, Texas-based hotel room, watching the room’s television display images of Louisiana being pummeled by another tropical system.

Those darn Green and White hoodlums raked the wool over our eyes yet again!


I know by now, you all are looking at me funny.


But let me explain my logic (as flawed as it may be).

Up until the past few years, I’ve sort of been a hurricane virgin.


I’m Louisiana born and bred, but most of my childhood years were free from any tropical devastation.


Heck, I remember being a young and ignorant lad rooting for evacuations because evacuations meant hotels and hotels meant late nights of video games.

I’ve since become a little wiser – if only by a little bit.


But from my storm-free upbringing, I’ve since been initiated into the life of a young man on the Gulf Coast.


Katrina, Rita, Gustav and Ike will do that to a person.

What do all of our recent storms have in common?


You guessed it – North Texas.


It’s all their fault, I tell you!

Start in 2005 – the extraordinarily active season that included hurricanes Cindy, Katrina and Rita – all of which impacted Louisiana.


During that football season, LSU was slated to play a season-opening tilt with the Mean Green on Sept. 3.


Katrina and Rita hit and plans obviously changed and the game was postponed.

I’m not one for conspiracy theories, but it is obvious to me that the Mean Green used mystic powers to steer the storm our way to avoid a beating at the hands of then-Tigers’ All-American quarterback JaMarcus Russell.


Everything is bigger in Texas, and surely if their university intelligence united to cause chaos, our area would be unable to host a football game.


Not convinced yet?

I’m a loon, you say?


Hold your horses – I have more.


Here’s Exhibit B – the 2008 season.

Like in 2005, Louisiana also ate its share of tropical madness in this year and endured hurricanes Gustav and Ike.


Like in 2005, who was LSU slated to play early in the season?


You guessed it – North Texas.

Knowing from history that LSU would never cancel a game, but would instead postpone it, evil North Texas instead attacked the Tigers’ season opener against Troy and forced that contest to be halted.


Without a warm-up game, the devious Mean Green thought they’d stand more of a chance to upset the powerful Tigers.

Again, their mystic, hurricane-steering ways failed and LSU scored early and often in a 41-3 rout.

How dominant were the Tigers on that night, you ask?

Andrew Hatch threw for more than 100 yards against the North Texas defense.

No offense to Andrew Hatch’s right arm, but that didn’t happen too often in his brief LSU tenure.

OK, I can see the looks on your faces – you all still think I have gone off the deep end with this conspiracy thing.

But that brings us to this past week and Exhibit C: Isaac.

I think now I will finally be able to convince you that these Texas folk cannot be trusted.

First, let’s analyze the dates of the situation.

Katrina made landfall on Aug. 29, 2005.

Isaac did most of its damage on Aug. 29, 2012.

How original – it’s obvious the Mean Green only have super secret steering powers during this one time of the year.

And the names?

Ike occurred in 2008.

Isaac was in 2012.

Last time I checked, most people named Isaac are called Ike for short, right?

Again – how original, Greenies.

No matter how you slice it, ladies and gentlemen, I am on to the culprit of our misery – North Texas.

They are the blame for all of our woes and they are the blame for everything that has happened in the past few storms that have hit our area.

I urge LSU officials to never school these borderline communist rebels ever again.

Our state needs a break.

With respect to privacy and clarity, I will now ask that only North Texas fans read the final few lines of this column.

Dear North Texas,

I do not truly blame you, nor your school for our misfortunes. Come on – how stupid do you all think I am? If you believed any of that trash above, then I have a beach house in North Dakota to sell you.

The truth is, you are one of my favorite programs in the Sun Belt Conference – no true LSU fan cheers for ULL.

Being a Tigers alum, I have become spoiled with LSU football and its recent dominance.

Because of that success, I love to see our team play fierce out-of-conference foes like Oregon or West Virginia – it just gets my blood bubbling.

No disrespect to you, nor your team, but I just thought I could halt LSU’s soft scheduling if I labeled you as an evil mystic steering hurricanes our way.

The evidence was too much to pass up.

It’s worth a shot, right?

Signed,

Casey’s Corner

P.S. Sorry for the butt whoopin’ on Saturday. Best of luck the rest of the season! You have a strong team. Just go easy on the opponent’s quarterbacks. You were mean to Mett.