A mock draft … with movies

A lot of times, I talk tough in this column.

But anyone who knows me knows that I’m nothing more than a sap – a 5-foot, 9-inch teddy bear without much of a mean bone in my body.

So with that said, I’m not ashamed to admit that I was absolutely glued to the first round of the NFL Draft on Thursday night.

It had everything I love — drama, football and awesome stories of people who come from the dirt and then rose to the top.

But that was Thursday and we are now six days removed from that event, so I can’t just break down what happened in the draft, because that’s all old news by now.

So I decided to get creative.

Sometime on my commute from Cut Off to Houma on Thursday, I looked back and remembered watching the movie ‘Rudy’ as a kid. As I drove, I wondered about other movie characters and it all came together: a movie mock draft.

So here we go, take a ride into fantasyland with me and enjoy a little breeze through some of the best movie characters of all-time.

This column is usually serious.

I deserve a week off to be able to play around!

We’ll break down the first dozen picks, then give editor’s notes randomly for others.

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2017 Movie Mock NFL Draft:

1. Cleveland Browns – Bobby Boucher – DE/OLB – ‘The Waterboy’ – Pass rushers are so important in today’s game. No one is better than Boucher. There are concerns about his Mother, but Cleveland rolls the dice and makes the pick.

2. Chicago Bears – Willie Beamen – QB – ‘Any Given Sunday’ – Just to be clear: I’d rather Willie Beamen as my actual, real-life quarterback over Mitchell Trubisky. The Bears bumbled that one, but get the high-octane Beamen in our draft.

3. San Francisco 49ers – Jumbo Fumiko – OT – ‘The Replacements’ – The 49ers have needs all over their roster. But they grab a left tackle to be their anchor for the next decade in Fumiko, who comes with tremendous size.

4. Jacksonville Jaguars – Al Bundy – RB – ‘Married with Children – Tom Coughlin is old school. Who is more old school than Bundy, who once scored four touchdowns in one game? It’s love and marriage.

5. Tennessee Titans – Ivory Christian – DE – ‘Friday Night Lights – Scouts questions his motor and his love for the game, but the Jaguars just refuse to let Christian slip past them with the No. 5 pick.

6. New York Jets – Bud Kaminski – OL – ‘The Program’ – The Jets like tough, nasty players and no one is nastier than Kaminski, who has that mean streak the team needs to get past the Patriots.

7. Los Angeles Chargers – Junior Floyd – QB – ‘The Little Giants’ – Philip Rivers only has a few years left. So the Giants turn to the future and get Floyd, who has outstanding pocket presence for a 12-year-old passer.

8. Carolina Panthers – Forrest Gump – ATH – ‘Forrest Gump’ – The Panthers get a home run hitter in Gump, who doesn’t have a set position, but who just feels likes running. He also reportedly agreed to mow the field in Carolina, which is a plus.

9. Cincinnati Bengals – Rod Tidwell – WR – ‘Jerry Maguire’ – Andy Dalton gets a new weapon to compliment A.J. Green. Reports out of Cinci say Tidwell made a joke about his famous ‘Show me the Money’ catchphrase upon meeting his new teammates. Adam Jones overheard and offered to take the rook to an evening club.

10. Kansas City Chiefs – Paul Blake – QB – ‘Necessary Roughness’ – Andy Reid likes tough, durable quarterbacks, so he dips into West Texas and scoops up a good one in Blake.

11. New Orleans Saints – Earl Wilkerson – DB – ‘The Replacements’ – The Saints need a defensive back, and Wilkerson just got out of prison on parole, so it’s a natural fit. … if he can stay clean in the Big Easy.

12. Houston Texans – Jonathan Moxon – QB – ‘Varsity Blues’ – Moxon is too tough for the Texans to pass up. His football IQ will fit well in Bill O’Brien’s scheme.

THE BEST OF THE REST

13. Arizona Cardinals – Switowski – DE/DT – ‘The Longest Yard’

14. Philadelphia Eagles – Steve Lattimer – DL – ‘The Program’

15. Indianapolis Colts – Boobie Miles – HB – ‘Friday Night Lights’

EDITOR’S NOTE: Miles would have been the No. 1 overall pick if not for a brutal injury. The Panthers see him as a great compliment to Cam Newton.

16. Baltimore Ravens – Joey Battle – DL – ‘The Longest Yard’

17. Washington Redskins – Becky O’Shea – LB – ‘The Little Giants’

EDITOR’S NOTE: Clinton lost in November in Washington, but O’Shea does make DC history, becoming the first woman to make it to the NFL.

18. Tennessee Titans – Shane Falco – QB – ‘The Replacements’

19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Petey Jones – RB/S – ‘Remember the Titans’

20. Denver Broncos – Rudy Ruettiger – LB – ‘Rudy’

21. Detroit Lions – Andre Krimm – OL – ‘Necessary Roughness’

22. Miami Dolphins – Spike – OLB – ‘The Little Giants’

23. New York Giants – Ronnie ‘Sunshine’ Bass – QB – ‘Remember the Titans’

24. Oakland Raiders – Nigel Gruff – K – ‘The Replacements’

EDITOR’S NOTE: Do you guys see what I did there?

25. Cleveland Browns – Paul Crewe – QB – ‘The Longest Yard’

26. Atlanta Falcons – Jesus Shuttlesworth – TE – ‘He Got Game’

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Falcons copy the Saints’ blue print from the past and convert the 6-foot, 5-inch Shuttlesworth – a basketball standout – to tight end in hopes of finding gold like New Orleans did with Jimmy Graham.

27. Buffalo Bills – Deacon Moss – WR – ‘The Longest Yard’

28. Dallas Cowboys – A.C. Slater – RB/LB – ‘Saved by the Bell’

29. Cleveland Browns – Billy Bob – OT – ‘Varsity Blues’

30. Pittsburgh Steelers – Danny Bateman – MLB – ‘The Replacements’

31. San Francisco 49ers – Clifford Franklin – WR – ‘The Replacements’

32. New Orleans Saints – Gee Grenouille – QB – ‘The Waterboy’

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Saints groom a local boy from west Louisiana to be the heir apparent to the aging Drew Brees. He better hope he never faces Boucher, who he had several run-ins with in college.

Forrest Gump

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