Everything you need to know you DIDN’T learn in Kindergarten

Now for a round-up of the deficit-ceiling fight, and forgive me if I get a few facts mixed up or leave anything out.

After the Prez started finger-pointing and saying “wah wah” for the thousandth time, I began to lose track of these serious proceedings.

Sure, a deal is important but let’s not forget the tough job those elected folks in D.C. have. Just because the country’s immediate future is at stake is no reason for Americans to expect quick action. Just because bills won’t get paid, people will die for lack of pills or oxygen or something or other, the military folks won’t get paid, Social Security and Medicare will be gutted and the sky, real soon like, will fall, is no good reason to lose faith in our leaders.

OK, here’s goes my synopsis of events. Prez says this is the most crucial issue in the history of the world but offers no plan. Instead, he meets with Speaker of the House John Boehner to discuss his plan. They come to an agreement. Oh wait. They almost come to an agreement. That is, they agreed in principle but, well, they didn’t.

The Speaker’s comment: “The Prez moved the goalpost.” (Don’t you just love football analogies? Boy, I hope Brees has a great year. Go Saints.)

Meanwhile, everyone who can get on TV and says there is no chance a deal won’t get done.

In steps the Gang of Six to piecemeal a plan. It gets plenty of coverage but goes nowhere.

The Prez says, “This is the most crucial issue in the history of the world, adding ‘wah wah.’”

Then the Speaker says he can’t talk to the Prez anymore and that he is going to take his ball home and play with the other congressmen who are nicer and don’t move goalposts when they’re dealing with the most crucial issue in the history of the world, adding, “nah nah nah nah.” Word around the Capitol is that the Speaker refuses to even play with the Prez’s children until they apologize for being related to the Prez.

Meanwhile, everyone who can get on television gets on television and says there is no chance a deal won’t get done.

The Speaker cobbles together a plan the Prez says he will veto even before he sees it. The quiet man (unfortunately not John Wayne in the classic movie “The Quiet Man”), Harry Reid, who doesn’t speak loud enough for anyone to hear him (Is that a bad thing?), says the Speaker’s bill won’t pass the Senate. As usual, Reid is wrong. The bill is tabled by the Senate so it never has a chance to pass the Senate. It is rumored around the Capitol that Reid then goes into the Capital rotunda, giggles, shakes his finger in the direction of the House, then says that Tea Party Republicans are not invited to play in his sandbox because they are such babies. Then Reid says, “This is the most crucial issue in the history of the world and why doesn’t everyone agree with me since I have never been wrong in my life.”

So, naturally, Reid comes up with a flawless plan that can’t pass the House with ketchup and pretty-please on it. Sure enough, it fails in the House before it is passed in the Senate. Several House members are heard to say, “That’ll show him. Does Reid really think he can get away with passing the most crucial legislation in the history of the world. No way, Jose!”

Several members of the House then pass a bill apologizing to illegal immigrants for using the name Jose. (OK, I made that up but the rest of this stuff is about as accurate as a moon landing.)

Then anyone who can get on television gets on television and says there is no way a deal won’t get done.

Then the Prez comes on television and says, “wah wah, I’ve been marginalized.”

Meanwhile, everyone is saying on television there is no chance a deal won’t get done

Meanwhile the stock market has dropped seven straight days to the tune of 700 points.

Meanwhile, the United States’ credit rating is about to be lowered, affecting every citizen of the United States, which certainty will affect every citizens of the world in some way or other.

Meanwhile everyone is saying on television there is no way a deal won’t get done.

Then the Prez comes of television Sunday night and says a deal is done even before a vote is taken. He adds, “wah wah.”

My conclusion: Everything I ever needed to know I learned in kindergarten. WHY DIDN’T THE PREZ AND CONGRESS ATTEND?