You have got to be kidding

I like to think of myself as well traveled. Seventeen years ago, for example, I visited my in-laws in Mississippi. I have been to both East and Westwego, and I once drove all the way Golden Meadow where I got a ticket for doing 20-and-1/4 miles an hour. Also, I have read about such exotic places as Nebraska, North Dakota, and Dollywood. Adding to that expertise is the fact that I also read license plates, which provide an insane about of intelligencia about our 48 states. I refuse to count Rhode Island, which is so small it should be a county of Massachusetts, or West Virginia, because during the Civil War it seceded from Virginia and joined the Union while Virginia had its hands full seceding from the United States (I read history too.).

But back to license plates. Where else can you read fast and discover more in such a short amount of space? Course, if you read slowly you are guaranteed to rear-end the guy you’re tailgating. Anyhow, you can learn a lot about a state from what it writes about itself. Granted, they tend to change their slogans every now and then, but there’s still a message to be garnered out from each and every one. Wyoming, for example, stands alone in its literary articulation. It has no slogan, none at all, nada, zip. At first glance, that may seem incredibly lazy by the Wyoming Transportation Department, but when you think about it, having nothing written down leaves an incredibly wide range of possibilities for the average motorist to consider such as “Wyoming, What a Weird Name for a State,” or “Wyoming, Cold as a Witch’s Mammary Gland State.” Of course, those are just examples. You can create your own for that great state.

Right next door to Wyoming is Idaho, which, after a great deal of consideration, decided to go with a more avant-garde slogan, “Potatoes,” although some Idaho plates have “Famous Potatoes,” like we don’t know that already. Other states that are big into food are Indiana, Kansas, Iowa, and New Jersey, who are the Amber Waves of Grain State, the Corn State, the Wheat State and the Garden State, respectively. Who knew there were any gardens in New Jersey? I thought the entire state was head-to-toe cows.

Kentucky is the Blue Grass State, but you’re not supposed to eat it, which is the reason I left it off the previous list. Nebraska calls itself the Beef State, a good name I suppose, but I’m surprised Texas hasn’t attacked Nebraska long before now over this out-and-out rustling.

Come to think of it, however, Nebraska did leave the Big 12 Conference recently, of which Texas is a member and . . . now it’s all coming together. Frankly, I would have thought that Nebraska could have sloganed itself with “Cold as a Witch’s Mammary Gland and Ugly Too State,” but then that is a lot longer than “the Beef State.”

Some states like to show they care about all Americans, not just their own. Maryland simply has “Drive Carefully” as its slogan. Apparently inspired by Maryland’s thoughtfulness, North Carolina adopted “Drive Safely,” while poor Ohio, which clearly couldn’t think of a slogan at all, asks the simple question, “Seatbelts Fastened?”

I know many license plate connoisseurs out there probably think that more states should have helpful reminders like that instead of boastful statements like “Sportsman’s Paradise,” but I wonder what Ohio will do next, something like “Did You Remember to Turn off the Hair Straightener State?”

My favorite slogan is New Hampshire’s, which no doubt has a bunch of Tea Partiers running their transportation and/or slogan department.

Its license reads, and has for some time, “Live Free or Die.” A noble sentiment, but a bit black and white, not to mention depressing, for a fun-loving Cajun like me.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Lloyd Chiasson Jr. is a professor in mass communication at Nicholls State University in Thibodaux. Dr. Chiasson co-authored “Reporter’s Notebook,” and served as co-author and editor of “The Press in Times of Crisis,” “The Press on Trial,” “Three Centuries of American Media” and “Illusive Shadows.” He is also the author of a novel, “Stutterstep.”