True love requires work, sacrifice – sometimes pain

I would like to share some thoughts about developing a good, healthy marriage. Here are five essential elements.

The first is a correct understanding of what love is. This is one person’s definition of love: “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” That’s falling in love. That’s wonderful and a grace from God! However, that is not what is going to keep a marriage going. That’s a feeling – love.

Feelings come and go, but true love is much deeper.

Rollo May has noted, “We choose to love. It is an act of the will, not the senses.” May goes on to state that true love is “an act of the will that requires work, sacrifice, sometimes pain, all of which our society rejects.”

Real love is the commitment to seek the highest good of others, no matter how they treat us. That’s unconditional love. That type of love can operate in us only when Christ empowers us. We need to ask for that grace.

The second quality of a good marriage is the commitment. Most people want a marriage relationship to work.

People who are afraid of the potential marriage failure often seek to avoid the problems and failures by “living together.” Yet the amazing thing is that statistics tell us that the rate of breakups in these “trial marriages” is much greater than when a couple commit themselves in marriage.

Why? There is no real commitment. Again Rollo May says that the commitment of love “requires work, sacrifice and sometimes pain.” When a couple lives together, there is no commitment. If it does not work out, they split.

Bill Huebsch writes, “Anyone can take off their clothes, but taking off our masks is another thing.” A lifelong commitment “requires work, sacrifice and sometimes pain.”

The third element in healthy relationships is values.

An important value is equality. A Christian marriage is based on the dignity and equality of husband and wife. Both were created after the image and likeness of God. Both bring to the marriage something unique. When they share their uniqueness, they build a union.

No slave/master or slave/mistress relationship exists in marriage. Both are equal in the sight of God. Both have to compromise, both have to give and take, both have to seek the common good. Both have to come up with creative ways to solve their differences.

A lasting marriage is one in which each partner “looks out for number two.”

The fourth element of good marriage is being realistic. There is no perfect marriage because there are no perfect people. We marry imperfect people. Sometimes we expect or want our partner to be perfect, and when they do not meet our expectation, we want out. Maybe we need to lower our expectations.

When a person marries another, they accept the total package, warts and all. We cannot change another person. It has never worked! However, we can change ourselves. Every couple can work on making themselves and their marriage better.

The fifth essential element of successful marriage: God must be the third partner. According to a Gallup survey, “Happiness in a marriage is better predicted by how often a couple prays together than by how often they make love.”

Religion and spirituality play a more important role in marital happiness than most people realize. The Gallup study found that couples that pray together (compared with couples that don’t) report having greater respect for their mate, agree on how to raise children, are more playful and believe their mate is a skilled lover.

To sum up, real love “requires work, sacrifice and sometimes pain.” Are we willing to pay the price?